Monday, August 06, 2007

A little late, but this is still funny

The Dugout loves crazy promotions, especially those that mock really stupid ideas. Here's a press release from two Florida State League clubs that share the same ballpark. Enjoy. More later.

Palm Beach Cardinals and Jupiter Hammerheads to attempt to determine “Who is Then?”

Over the past weeks, ESPN has done a phenomenally awesome job of answering the incredibly unimportant question, “Who is Now?” The Jupiter Hammerheads and the Palm Beach Cardinals plan to take the question to its logical follow-up. Beginning on Friday, August 3, the two Florida State League clubs will finally put to rest the question that’s been on everyone’s mind, “Who is Then?”

The person who is the most “Then” was more than just a top performer in their field. They had all the peripherals, too. In their day they all had entourages, endorsement deals and a little thing called respect. Choosing not to limit ourselves the way ESPN did, the Cardinals and Hammerheads threw the field wide open to some of the greatest names in the history of history. They were leaders of empires, opinion makers and household names. Now they are largely irrelevant to everyday life.

The most “Then” person will be decided via tournament bracket. The field has been limited to the elitest of the Elite Eight. Each night two of those monsters lacking modernity will face off. Our panel of experts – usually ballplayers from the night’s game – will give their opinions about the contestants. The voting will then be turned over to the fans. Each fan that enters the ballpark will be given one vote per day. There will also be an internet vote on The ultimate winner – the Zen of Then – will be determined on August 9th, when the Hammerheads host Dunedin.

An Now the Matchups

Opening Night (Friday, Aug. 3): Plato vs. Bill Clinton

Plato: Plato used his brain to climb to the top of Mt. Philosopher. In his famous work, The Republic, the influential Greek philosopher attempted to establish guidelines that would allow humans to lead a good life. During the height of his thinking, Plato was followed around by the top thinkers of his generation who may or may not have been wearing togas. Plus, his name is easier to spell than Socrates and Aristotle.

Bill Clinton: The former U. S. president became famous for thinking with another part of his body. Bubba served two terms in the country’s highest office, balancing the budget while walking a tightrope with congress. His entourage seemed to include most of the women in Arkansas, though he appealed to a younger audience in Washington D.C.

much to “Pseudo-Now” wife Hillary’s chagrin. While Abraham Lincoln will be remembered for his Gettysburg Address, no one will ever forget Clinton and the Blue Dress.

Night Two (Saturday, Aug. 4): Pete Rose vs. Stuart Scott

Pete Rose: The Hit King was pretty now when he broke Ty Cobb’s record for most career hits. He was even “Now-er” when he was banned from baseball for gambling. Rose had many endorsements during his hey day and even owned two restaurants, one in Boca Raton, the other in Boynton Beach. His entourage included various wise guys in joggling suits, allowing Charlie Hustle to reinvent himself with a new nickname – Charlie the Hustler.

Stuart Scott: In theory, Scott must have been “now” at some point. How else can you explain why this guy constantly shows up in America’s living rooms via ESPN? The man famous for using the maximum amount of words to provide the least amount of useful information seems like he’s been an anchor on ESPN since the days of Plato, but really it’s his act that’s constructed out of Play-Doh. This viable contender for The Most Then is truly cooler than the other side of the cucumber.

Night Three (Sunday, Aug. 5) Marilyn Monroe vs. Cleopatra

Marilyn Monroe: The buxom blonde is still the standard-bearer for Hollywood starlets. Few, if any, actresses have ever reached the popularity of Miss Monroe. Her aura extended past celluloid, seeping into the very fabric of the United States. She had arguably the most impressive entourage of anyone in the competition, marrying former Yankees slugger Joe DiMaggio and reportedly owning an all-access pass to John F. Kennedy’s White House. Paris and Lindsay, drink your heart out. Monroe was so “It”, you could argue she is both “Now” and “Then.”

Cleopatra: The Egyptian pharaoh is perhaps the most famous female ruler of all time. During her reign of Egypt, Cleopatra maintained such a tight grip over the empire that coins contained her face and name. Her entourage included her brother Ptolemy XIII, who was also her husband, Julius Cesar and Mark Anthony. Cleopatra has served as inspiration for great works of art and literature, although most of the current creations have gone straight to video.

Night Four (Monday, Aug. 6): Napoleon vs. George Washington

Napoleon Bonaparte: The French general is considered to have possessed one of the greatest military minds in history, helping spread the French Revolution throughout Europe. The man who was twice the emperor of France uttered many famous quotes, including, “An army marches on its stomach.” He was married twice, the first time to Josephine and the second time to Marie-Louise. Famously short in stature, will he prove to be more “Then” or will this be his Waterloo? Again.

George Washington: Often referred to as the Father of our Country, Washington led the rebel forces in the Revolutionary War. He spent many a winter freezing in the fields of the northeast, yet thousands of starving and unwashed men followed him anyway. He was America’s first president, serving two terms. As a youth he became famous for chopping down a cherry tree, then taunting those around him by saying, “Yeah, I cut the thing down.” Or something like that. He was pretty brave and awfully “Now” back “Then.”


Night Five (Tuesday, Aug 7): Semi 1 - Plato/Clinton winner vs. Rose/Scott winner.

Night Six (Wednesday, Aug. 8): Semi 2 – Cleopatra/Monroe winner vs. Napoleon/Washington winner.

Night Seven (Thursday, August 9): Finals

Those considered contest but ultimately judged “Not Then-worthy” included: Gary Coleman, Vlad Dracula, Attila the Hun, Ghengis Kahn, Julius Cesar, Fred Flintstone, John Wayne, Barry Bonds, Chris Berman, John Madden, Joan of Arc, Noah of ark fame, Alexander the Great, Thomas Edison, Ben Franklin, William Shakespeare, Abraham Lincoln, William Howard Taft, the Hawley Smoot Tariff, Dale Earnhardt Sr. and Mr. Ed.

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